Humiliation

You do realise that there are things which you will always do even though you know it's bad for you. 

Smokers always smoke, dieters always goes for that cookie and, who cares if I get poor quality sleep? I just like to get blue glare in my face before bed. 

It's the same with your profile. I always goes back to your feed to look at things that isn't there. 

For every word you wrote I read again and again, trying to decipher meaning and signs that could somehow be related to me. I make a million guesses, assumptions and interpretations. I become a detective, a stalker, a madman, just to have a peep inside your mind. To understand your words is like walking in smoke. You know how they say you lost your sense of direction in smoke? It's true. I can no longer make sense of heads or tails in your words. Sometimes I might relate to a passage, only to find that it's adapted. Sometimes I think that you're being sentimental, only to realise that you weren't. The words you spill into your writing, they're not for me aren't they? Oh wait, yes they are. Now I see what they spell - 

h u m i l i a t i o n.

What I Learn From Applying to Wrong Jobs

Job seeking is hard. There's all the browsing of openings, cover letters to write, the CVs to perfect, it all gets pretty tough sometimes. 

I was trying to apply to some jobs and I became pretty anxious feeling that I was good at nothing and none of my experiences were good enough for anything. I was so anxious I tried to escape by watching TV drama, eating, laying around... I basically can't do anything. I launched into a sigh marathon and became genuinely depressed. Up until a point I literally gave up. 

Turns out that giving up was the thing to do. 

The more I'm anxious about something the more I'm keen to get things done. The rush to complete made me more worried and anxious and this is a viscous cycle. If I would rest and let myself breathe for an hour, I might be able to calm my brain and get more things done rather than waste my time freaking out and not getting anything done. I stressed out most of yesterday only to realize that the reason I couldn't get anything done is that those things are not really 'my thing' and I'm going over this process all wrong.

Here are the things that I have learn:

1. Apply filters when doing the job search
I was not using any filters because I wanted to look at EVERYTHING. turns out that it only messed up and distracted my thinking if not overwhelming my already anxious brain. After my break I narrowed down my search and the first two jobs I browsed was already a hit.
Lesson learned,  minimize distraction from your original goal. 

2. Think of a job search as a search for a partner.
After applying the filter I realized that for the whole time I was looking at job ads that didn't really match my personality. All the time I was thinking I would be suitable for these jobs while forgetting if I was really the person for the job. When looking for a partner, your personalities should match and never judge a person by their looks. It's the same with jobs. Look into the job description and the requirements. If it doesn't look appealing and suitable for you, they won'd find you appealing and suitable too. 

3. If I'm struggling more than I should, it's not the right way
If you're struggling to do something that shouldn't take long, chances are that's not the way to approach the problem. I took a whole day to write up and put together a cover letter and CV for a certain posting in the beginning. After switching my approach, everything just became easy. At the end the two job applications that I have sent out didn't take more than 2 hours. 

Oh, and I was glad I talked to a friend the other night because he really gives good CV and cover letter advice. I'm also glad that I have my own prepared database on specialized CVs and cover letters for different fields and JDs. 

Good luck ;)

Trouble Sleeping

I heard that you've had trouble sleeping, what were you worried about?
Was it the stars that got trapped in glass jars?
The old man who lost to the sea?
The jam that got jealous of the peanut butter?
The hide that couldn't be seek?

I have known melancholiness because it has always been with me.
The speakers that couldn't speak for themselves,
the brownies that were black instead of brown.
The sour milk that were made to be sour,
the compasses that got dizzy spinning round.

Fear not my friend, for you are not alone.
The singalong was always a one-sided tune. 

Fallen Stars

Stars falls from the black caverns of the endless sky. Crisp, cool air refreshes my body with each breath I took. Sounds of nocturnal creatures waved through the distance. The cool grass felt soft and tender through my shirt as I lay alone in the field. Her thoughts covered my thoughts like smoke engulfing a burning buildings. I can’t see through them and yet they were all that I see. The carefully posed picture and skilfully sculpted words pierce through my heart like a million needles. “Smile because it happened” she wrote. But how could I smile because of what have happened?

Rain starts to fall, gently and softly on the ground. Gentle and smoothing against my face wiping away the storm that brewed up in my eyes. Clench and unclench, each beat of my heart feels hard and ready to pull me into emptiness. Wave after wave of pure helplessness spread through my body. I just want to lay here and let flowers grow out of my body. Let twine and bushes consume my body, because what is there left for me when even my world have decided to leave?

The Negative Project

The Negative Project

I have never thought of myself as an expressive person. I always like to keep feelings to myself and show hardly any emotions. However, I have just realized that although I might be intimidated by others reading my mind as they read my writing, I actually wanted to share the weather in my world.

Flipping through my journals, I am always a person to record down events and facts. I don't express my thoughts much. That's how I came up with The Negative Project - the writing challenge that I am giving myself. I will write with empathy, writing emotions and negative thoughts. (Of course, they will be based on fictitious characters as I don't find my life really that tragic, I live a great life you know?)  Yea, it's unusual to write negatively, but as people say nothing is as moving as a great tragedy right? Titanic wouldn't be so heart-wrenching if Jack and all the other passengers didn't die would it?